The House that Built Me
by dragooonthegreat
Summary: A song fic for 'The House that Built Me' by Miranda Lambert. Will be two maybe three chapters long. When Merlin returns to Camelot after leaving for many years, he realises that everything is not as it once was. He has to accept that but he can't help needing to feel at home one last time.
1. Chapter 1

A/N this is a song fic for The House that Built Me by Miranda Lambert...it's an amazing song I really recommend you listen to it Hope you enjoy this, maybe even shed a few tears (yeah enjoying and shed a few tears that made sense) but please remember to review! It doesn't take long and it means so much! Thanks;) This chapter ended up as a sort of prequel but I hope you enjoy it none the less.

Merlin walked over the hill, back pack bouncing up and down with each step he took. Anyone would guess he was excited, in some ways he was but more than anything he was feeling pure dread. He had left Camelot without hesitation, Merlin was nothing without Arthur and with Camelot around him to remind him of Arthur 24/7, well that would end in turmoil.

He saw the tops of the turrets of the highest towers of Camelot's great Castle and wished more than anything that he could return to the naive, young boy that had walked over that hill many years ago with a spring in his step and wonder in his eyes. That boy had no worries, nothing boring down on his shoulders just a bit of anxiety of meeting his mother's friend for the first time, well first time he could remember anyway. That boy had grown up many a summers ago and now, following the exact route he had took with Arthur on every ride out of Camelot, every hunting trip, every patrol, every casual ride, they even took that route on the way out of Camelot that final time and walking along it, reminded him of why he left. He could hear Arthur in his head and he felt tears spring to his eyes. He looked to his right and saw smoke coming from within the trees. He felt his eyes tingle with the feeling of magic as he held his hand out to the smoke and spoke some sacred words of the old religion. He watched with a weak, sad smile on his face remembering the last time he had used that spell and all the kafuffle it had caused.

It hurt so much and as he walked through those gates he felt overcome by emotions. He looked over to the training fields and could almost see Arthur training with his knights. Elyan, Gwaine, Lancelot, Percival and Leon, he remembered them fondly, word of Gwaine's death had reached Merlin not long ago and brought more reasons as to stay away from Camelot. As the image his memories created faded away he saw two knights staring at them. They smiled at him and started a walk towards him. It almost felt like old times, almost, not quite. Leon greeted him first, and then Percival hugged him tightly and told him of how Camelot had not been the same without him. Despite never being particularly close with either knights, he hadn't felt such joy since the night before they had set of for Camlan, in the tavern with Arthur. He asked the knights of Gwen's well-being and they told him of how, despite being introverted and depressed for a while, news of Arthur baby she had been carrying unwittingly put a stop to that- she felt she still had Arthur with her.

Merlin bid Leon and Percival goodbye before going off to meet Gwen. He walked through the halls and could feel eyes boring into him as people stared trying to remember where they knew him from. It felt odd to be here again but right at the same time; this was where he belonged, Arthur or no Arthur and he could feel the regrets of ever leaving becoming bigger and bigger with each corridor he passed, feeling more at home with each step. Finally it came to Gwen chambers and the guard outside gladly let Merlin in, remembering him fondly.

"My lady." He said loudly as he walked over to her.

She turned her head and her mouth fell open. She almost dropped the child she held in her arms, quickly putting the girl on the ground she ran to Merlin, tears quickly leaving trails down her face.

"Merlin, you're here. You're really here. Oh gods I've missed you so much. So, so much! Are you hurt? Why are you back? You know what, I don't care! I just care that you're back." She said to him, her voice loud but soft at the same time. Grapping onto Merlin's shoulders and head Merlin wasn't sure what she was doing. Gwen was simply making sure he was really there and not another one of her dreams that had been closer to nightmares. Where she would see someone she lost standing there and she would run to them but then they would disappear as soon as she touched them. It happened regularly, the most recent being one of Gaius...oh Gaius, how was she supposed to tell Merlin?

"I've missed you to Gwen, so much. I'm sorry I failed you but I will never leave again. I promise." They stayed entwined for several minutes before they untangled themselves from each other and Merlin walked over to the child standing in the corner staring at the scene in front of her.

"And who is this little Princess? Literally." Merlin asked, sounding more like his old self.

"This is Ariandria." Gwen said, "Freya, this is your Uncle Merlin. You know all about him but he doesn't know you, how about you tell him something?"

"You know what I would love to hear all about you, Ariandria but there is someone very important I need to go see first. I will come back later though." Merlin said, smiling to the young girl who couldn't have seen more than four summers. "Gwen, does Gaius still stay in the same chambers?"

"Merlin, I need to talk to you about that. Ariandria, go and see if you can find Sophie and then you can play with her but be back for dinner sweet heart."

"Okay, mother. Bye, bye, Uncle Merlin." The girl said in a sing-song voice as she skipped out the room. Gwen smiled after her before turning to face Merlin, both her and Merlin's faces turning grim, though Merlin's displayed some confusion as well.

"Gaius was an old man when you left Merlin, he didn't have very many years and I'm afraid his time ran out around this time last year. He passed peacefully and with no pain. He simply fell asleep and did not wake. His duties as physician were lessened about a year after you left and he never retired until about month before his passing. He lived a good, long life, Merlin! It was just his time to go. I'm sorry."

"i should have been there." He said, his voice barley above a whisper, "I should have been there to hold his hand and let him know I loved him like a father. He probably thought I hated him and I don't blame him, I abandoned him here to rot. I should have been there." Merlin's voice was laced with regret and hatred for himself and his selfish actions.

"Merlin, his last wish was that I tell you, if you ever were to return which you have now," She stopped to swallow back tears and give a small reassuring smile at the now grief-stricken man before her. "He want me to tell you that he loved you more than life itself and knew you loved him too. He wanted you to know he was proud to call you his son, even if it wasn't in blood. His final word was your name; just before he took his last breath he whispered it to himself. He loved you Merlin, never forget that. I'll get Sir Bronad to find you a room. Excuse me." She said before kissing him on the cheek, whispering "I'm sorry" in his ear.

Gwen walked out the room and slowly pulled the door behind her, it was then that Merlin fell to the ground, overwhelmed by guilt, sadness, grief and more pain than he imagined joy he had felt at being reunited with the knights and Gwen was replaced by the pain he had felt as Arthur died in his arms. His vision was blurred by tears and soon he could hardly breathe he was crying so hard. He lay on the ground, curled up in a ball, crying his heart out before he fell asleep in the fatal position, whispering to himself 'Gaius'.

A/N okay well this was whole one shot was supposed to be around 500 words but what I intended to be an opening paragraph before I got to the stuff based on the song ended up being 1280 words long, so I'm gonna end it here and make this a two shot. The next part will be up in a few days and it will be base on the song. I have started the next chapter and have found myself in tears while writing it so I hope you like sad stuff;) Thanks and remember to review.


	2. I just had to come back one more Time

_I know they say you can't go home again_

_I just had to come back one last time_

_Ma'am, _

_I know you don't know me from Adam_

_But these hand prints on the front steps are mine__  
__Up those stairs in that little back bedroom_

_Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar_

_And I bet you didn't know under that live oak_

_My favorite dog is buried in the yard_

Merlin sat at the desk in the chambers Gwen had given him with his head in his hands, his head filled with regret and loss. He stood up and with a look of determination on his face he marched from his room, his lips trembling slightly. He was using all his might not to burst into tears over the second time he had had to lose a father. He found himself at the door outside Gaiu- the physician's' chambers. He knew it was probably a bad idea and he shouldn't mull over the past and make things harder for himself but he needed closure. He needed to feel completely at home one last time even if he couldn't feel it completely; home wasn't a place to Merlin. It was Gaius, Gwaine, Hunith, Gwaine, Lancelot and Arthur. He could never be truly home again but his old chambers came close.

Merlin composed himself as best he could and knocked on the door, resisting the instinctive urge to barge right on in.

"Come in." Came the reply from behind the door.

Merlin did so very slowly, the same look of amazement and bewilderment he had worn the first time he came to Camelot on his face. The place was just as messy as Gaius had kept it and it looked the same to someone who hadn't been there but to Merlin it was a whole other world than the one he had left behind. Maybe it was because Gaius wasn't in it but for whatever reason it felt very empty despite the clutter that covered every square centimetre of the room.

"Can I help you?" The kind looking, young (Merlin presumed to be) new physician asked.

"Sorry, it's just I used to live here and I..."

"I was told the man who used to live her past of old age."

"He did, I was his ward, Merlin." He stuck his hand out and the physician took it.

"Jeffrey." Merlin's mind whirled back to Jeffrey the librarian and then to the time in the library when he had found the goblin and then he thought of Gaius and his heart started to hurt.

"A pleasure."

"So, any secrets about the palace or the chambers you can tell me about. I still get pretty lost around here and this place feels like someone else home that I'm living in, it also sometime smells like of off meat." Jeffrey said with a smirk, not expecting a real answer in return.

"Well I don't know if I could help you with the getting lost thing. People have probably moved about since I left, sorry. But I can help you with getting to know these chambers better. I could give you a story for each nook and cranny and each bump in the wall. For instance, this dent in the door. An example of a spell gone wrong. I tried to turn sand to water and somehow blasted myself against the door. Still not sure how I managed that one!" Jeffrey returned the story with a light hearted laugh.

"That room up there. That was mine, I used to polish Arthur's armour in there and practise magic. I become the man I am in that little room. And I'll bet you never lifted up a board in that room."

"No, I never have."

"Well follow me."

"I have work to do."

"Won't take a minute; let a grieving man wander his old home without feeling like an intruder."

Jeffrey sighed. "Okay, but it can't take long."

Merlin hoped up the stairs like he had done so many times before and almost felt he was home again, he couldn't let him feel that though, it would hurt too much.

He opened the door, and fell to the ground on his knees in shock. The room was exactly as Merlin had left it, albeit the bed was made but other than that, the room had not changed.

"I left it; I was told that this room once belonged to a great man who would return one day. I wasn't in need of the room so I left it, out of respect for this man and the physician who lived here before me, Gaius wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was." Merlin said as he gathered himself together and lifted up a floor board.

He was convinced he was hallucinated. He couldn't believe it. They're lying atop his spell book was his favourite meal. Albeit a little off and mouldy but there. Gaius had promised and Gaius always, ALWAYS kept his promises. Merlin picked the plate with the stew in it up and couldn't help shedding a few tears as he did so.

"So this is what you wanted to show me, that the smell of off meat came from a plate of old stew that was lying underneath boards of my spare room? Why is that so important to take me away from my work?! I have things to do."

"It wasn't that. It was this." He said, putting the stew aside and lifting out his old book. "I learnt how to perform magic in this very room with this very book and Gaius of course. I couldn't have done it without him. Never in a million years could I have become who I am without him. I bet you didn't know that this was here."

"No, I didn't. May I ask why there is stew under there?"

"It was a promise Gaius made me before I left. He promised to have my favourite meal waiting for me. He always did keep his promises. I'm sorry for disturbing your work. I'll leave you for just now. Good bye Jeffrey, look after this place and, change this room, make your own memories in here. Don't leave mine to rot along with that stew." Merlin said a smile on his face even as he stood, a middle aged man crying over a plate of stew.

"I will. It was an honour meeting you, sir." Jeffrey said sticking his arm out which Merlin took.

"Merlin. No formalities please." He let go and with a nod of his head Merlin left the room, whistling an old song he had often heard Gaius sing as he worked.

_I thought if I could touch this place or feel it_

_This brokenness inside me might start healing_

_Out here it's like I'm someone else_

_I thought that maybe I could find myself__  
__If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave_

_Won't take nothing but a memory_

_From the house that built me_

"Uncle Merlin! Uncle Merlin, there you are! Mother has been worried about you so came to look for you!" Ariandria smiled up at Merlin, bringing a smile upon Merlin's face. "What were you doing in Jeffery's chambers; you're not sick are you? Is that why mother is worried? Are you going to die? My father died before I was born, you knew him, didn't you? Will you tell me about him, please?" She asked quickly in normal child-like curiosity, not stopping for a breath.

"Do you want me to answer all those questions?" Merlin asked her, crouching to her levels but not looking directly in her eyes- they were too much like Arthur's.

"Yes, please." She replied, a shy smile playing its way onto her lips.

"Well, I'm not sick, it's not why your mother is worried- she really has no reason to worry-, I'm not going to die, yes I knew your father he was the greatest man ever to have lived. I will tell you everything you could ever want to know and then some!"

"Thank you, but you didn't answer my first question. Why were you in Jeffery's chambers?"

"Well, I used to live there and I just wanted to see it one more time."

"Okay, I think I should take you to mother now, she did seem very worried."

"Okay, let's go."

"Tell me about father on the way."

"With pleasure." And Merlin did, he told Ariandria of how Arthur used to be an arrogant prat, he told her of their first meeting and how he used magic to defend himself without anyone knowing. He reached the end of the story just as they reached the door. "Do you mind if I speak to your mother alone for a while?"

"Of course not, uncle." Then she skipped down the hall whistling a tune Gaius used to whistle while he worked. Merlin smiled, he mustn't have been the only one who heard him sing that old tune.

"Knock, knock." Merlin said as he walked into the queen's chambers.

"Merlin! I went to your room and you weren't there. I presumed you would be in his old chambers. Were you?"

"Of course I was."

"Why? What did you think you could accomplish by torturing yourself like that?!" Gwen couldn't understand why her friend wanted to make things harder for himself.

"Because I had to. There is a whole in me that can't be filled. I thought that maybe if I could go back there, remember him, like he used to be, before all this happened then maybe the hole could be filled. When I was out there Gwen, I was someone else. I was angry and alone and close to insanity, thinking of Camelot, thinking of you and Leon and Percival and, and Gaius, it kept me sane, it kept a little bit of who I am in me. When you told me that Gaius was dead, I felt that last bit of who I was slip away and I couldn't let that happen. I had to go because being there made me remember that wide-eyes, naive, happy young lad that came to Camelot all those years ago. I need to remember him so that I don't become the person I am so close to becoming. A person not unlike Morgana," Gwen flinched at the name, it was obvious that that name had not been spoken often since Camlan. "I can't become that, a person overcome with grief and anger and confusion and betrayal. I didn't take anything, the visit was harmless, I took a memory from the place that made me who i was before I left, I took the hope I need to become that person again." Merlin held Gwen's hand in his own as she looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"Oh, Merlin."

"Don't make me feel guilty for that."

Gwen pulled him in for a hug as they both let loose the tears they had been trying to desperately not to release.

_Mama cut out pictures of houses for years_

_From "Better Homes and Garden" magazine_

_Plans were drawn and concrete poured_

_And nail by nail and board by board_

_Daddy gave life to mama's dream_

A while later, Merlin walked out of the room and straight into the young princess.

"Will you tell me stories now?!" Ariandria asked, joy lighting up her face in an instant.

"Of course. Now, not long after I came to Camelot, I went to a feast to work and there was someone there who wanted to hurt your father."

Merlin told her story after story, making himself sound like quite the hero without boasting- for a hero was what he was. He finished one last story and was about to lead Ariandria back to her chambers when she asked an unexpected question.

"If you weren't allowed magic in Camelot then why did you come here, especially if Father was a clot-pole?"

"Well, my mother was scared for me. I had all this power and no one to help me deal with it. Some of the people in my village didn't like me because of my magic and my mother dreamed of a day when I could re-start and be who I really was without being judged. She and Gaius were old friends and she knew he would help me so she set about preparing me for life without her. She told me I had to keep my magic secret and I was really scared about that because I couldn't control my magic but Gaius taught me how to, that was why it was important for me to come to Camelot- so I could become the warlock I was destined to be. My mother made lots of arrangements, got the black smith to teach me basics, the baker to teach me how to bake bread, the physician simple mediocre tasks and she taught me how to make one mighty good soup. Despite all her planning, nothing could quite prepare me for my life in Camelot. Sometimes I wanted to go home but after a while Camelot became my home so there was no need to want that for I was already there. I visited my mother from time to time- when your father gave me the time off, which wasn't often as he was a clot-pole." Ariandria giggled adoringly, her eyes not leaving Merlin's face. "She saw the man I had become, so more grown-up and in control and she told me that her dreams had come true. I was safe and was loved for who I was, even if people didn't know about my magic, what they knew about me in other areas made up for it. SO that's why I came to Camelot, well that and what would your mother and father have done without me?!" _  
_

_I thought if I could touch this place or feel it_

_This brokenness inside me might start healing_

_Out here it's like I'm someone else_

_I thought that maybe I could find myself__  
__If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave_

_Won't take nothing but a memory_

_From the house that built me__  
_

_You leave home, you move on_

_And you do the best you can_

_I got lost in this whole world_

_And forgot who I am__  
_

Merlin looked at himself in the mirror.

"Why are you back here? You left, you lived in ignorance. You were a new man and now you're back where you were, where you now have no reason to live." Merlin sighed and dropped his head into his hands.

"You're here because you are needed here. You left and lived a life of anger Merlin. You lost who you were, stay, and let us bring you back."

"There is no point Leon. For what reason do I have to be here?"

"Every good court needs a sorcerer. You may have forgotten who you are but I can assure you, Camelot hasn't. It never will, you, the true you will live long in the heart of men Merlin, never forget that." And Leon left his friend to his thought, knowing he would make the right decision and stay. Even if it took a while, Merlin, like Arthur had, always made the right decision in the end.

_I thought if I could touch this place or feel it_

_This brokenness inside me might start healing_

_Out here it's like I'm someone else_

_I thought that maybe I could find myself__  
__If I could walk around, I swear I'll leave_

_Won't take nothing but a memory_

_From the house that built me___

A/N I hope you liked it


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